A woman who works as a professional sex toy tester rakes in £15,000 a year having 15 orgasms a week - all in the name of work.

A woman who works as a professional sex toy tester rakes in £15,000 a year having 15 orgasms a week - all in the name of work.

Cara Houiellebecq has an office crammed with more than 2,000 toys that she test drives for adult companies - before being paid to review each one on her blog.

The mother-of-two from Lincoln, who became an erotic blogger five years ago, spends seven hours every week testing the toys.

 

 

 

 

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Now that's a niche job! Cara Houiellebecq is a professional sex toy tester - and rakes in £15,000 a year from brands who send her their products to review

The 33-year-old has sex toys delivered to her door four or five times a week and the toys have now become part of her everyday life.

Speaking about her job, Cara said: 'Toys have always been a part of my private sex life - it gave me the idea to start writing about my sex life and I had the idea to start testing sex toys.

 

 

 

'It’s a great job, I’ve worked in a bank before but I’d never go back to that now - it’s never boring.'

Cara started her own blog with her toy reviews and began to get more and more hits. 'Gradually my reviews became more and more prolific and I was noticed by a sex toy company who wanted me to work for them,' she said.

Aqwa Mist, the ultimate Puerto Banús super club is proud to announce their latest coup, cementing its reputation as the hippest dance venue in Southern Spain.

Sunday 3rd August 2014

Top Recording Artist & Dancer to Play 1 of 3 European Sets in Marbella this Summer

Aqwa Mist, the ultimate Puerto Banús super club is proud to announce their latest coup, cementing its reputation as the hippest dance venue in Southern Spain.

Chris Brown, one of the world’s hottest and most-talked about R&B and hip-hop stars will be performing a one-night-only set at Aqwa Mist on Sunday 3rd August.

The Award-winning American musician, whose video for his recent track Loyal has had 100 million views, will be rousing the club’s party crowd with a unique, one-off performance in Europe this summer. The talented 25 year-old, will be playing some of his best tracks live to the thrilled public of Chris Brown fans in the early hours of Sunday morning.

The self-taught musician was discovered at 13 and by age 14 had developed a prolific recording career. His first album, entitled simply Chris Brown, debuted at number two in the Billboard charts. With six studio albums under his belt before the age of 25, among the accolades awarded to Chris Brown to date are the American Music Awards, BET Awards and two NAACP Image Awards.

The TOWIE cast returned to Marbella last night as The Only Way Is Marbs made a typically explosive comeback.

And if the TV show has got you itching for a holiday to the Spanish resort, Lauren Pope has given us an exclusive run-down of her favourite nightspots.

The TOWIE beauty is a huge dance music fan and is currently promoting the show’s first ever CD; The Only Way is Marbs: Marbella Anthems.

Stars from the show including Lydia Bright and James 'Diags' Bennewit attended the The CD’s launch party at The Brickyard in Essex on Friday.

 

 

 

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Lauren Pope's holiday tips: TOWIE star picks out her best nightspots exclusively for Travel Mail readers

 

 

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Day and night: The terrace at luxury beach club Nikki Beach stays open until late

Lauren said: 'I’ve loved working on this album - from the track selection to the mixing, it’s been an amazing experience.

 

Magaluf puts 50-person limit on pub crawls

The local mayor announced the new legislation today after a video surfaced last week showing sex acts being performed by a young British holidaymaker at a club night called Carnage. The resort’s reputation has been steadily deteriorating for years, but recent revelations about bars and clubs where tourists are encouraged to get drunk and engage in sexual behaviour in public proved the tipping point. Manuel Onieva, the Mayor of Calvia, a region including Magaluf, said the new law was an expression of his “total rejection and anger at the activities which were carried out in a video which is currently on the social media circuit.” In an attempt to clean up seedy bar crawls, any company wanting to operate one in the area will now need to apply for a licence through the town hall. In order to be granted a licence they will have to “prove their responsibility and show that they have the appropriate civil insurances in place,” the mayor said.

Emotional eating is when people use food as a way to deal with feelings instead of to satisfy hunger. We've all been there, finishing a whole bag of chips out of boredom or downing cookie after cookie while cramming for a big test. But when done a lot — especially without realizing it — emotional eating can affect weight, health, and overall well-being.

Not many of us make the connection between eating and our feelings. But understanding what drives emotional eating can help people take steps to change it.

One of the biggest myths about emotional eating is that it's prompted by negative feelings. Yes, people often turn to food when they're stressed out, lonely, sad, anxious, or bored. But emotional eating can be linked to positive feelings too, like the romance of sharing dessert on Valentine's Day or the celebration of a holiday feast.

Sometimes emotional eating is tied to major life events, like a death or a divorce. More often, though, it's the countless little daily stresses that cause someone to seek comfort or distraction in food.

Emotional eating patterns can be learned: A child who is given candy after a big achievement may grow up using candy as a reward for a job well done. A kid who is given cookies as a way to stop crying may learn to link cookies with comfort.

It's not easy to "unlearn" patterns of emotional eating. But it is possible. And it starts with an awareness of what's going on.

ARE YOU ADDICTED TO BUSYNESS ARE YOU A SOCIAL MEDIA ADDICT

You may be lost in the addiction to busyness if…

• Your usual response to “how are you?” is “so busy”, “crazy busy” or “busy but good”
• You spend time worrying about how busy you are going to be tomorrow
• You get angry when your spouse or friends aren’t as busy as you
• Your busy life keeps you up at night thinking about everything you didn’t get done
• You make a point of letting people know that you stay at the office after hours
• You check email several times a day
• You zone out during conversations thinking about everything you have to do
• You volunteer for things you don’t care about
• You spend time complaining about how busy you are
• You make list after list to make sure you don’t forget anything during your busy day
• You allocate time each day to clean your desk or organize your stuff
• You regularly eat in your car
• You use a phone in the car because “it’s the only time you have to talk”

experts believe we can actually become "addicted" to stress.

Stress can be physical,And then there’s the kind that’s in our heads — that OMG I’m so overwhelmed right now feeling. While psychological stress has some definite downsides (chronic freak-outs may increase our risk for cancer and other diseases), take a moment to exhale. In moderate amounts, stress can boost our focus, energy, and even our powers of intuition.

Still, in some cases, stress does more than light a productivity-boosting fire under our butts. Both emotional and physical stress activate our central nervous system, causing a “natural high,” says Concordia University neuroscientist and addiction specialist Jim Pfaus. “By activating our arousal and attention systems,” Pfaus says, “stressors can also wake up the neural circuitry underlying wanting and craving — just like drugs do.”

This may be why, experts believe, some of us come to like stress a little too much.

Type A and Type D personalities — or people prone to competitiveness, anxiety, and depression — may be most likely to get a high from stressful situations, says stress management specialist Debbie Mandel. Stress “addicts,” Mandel says, “may also be using endless to-do lists to avoid less-easy-to-itemize problems — feelings of inadequacy, family conflicts, or other unresolved personal issues.”

Some stress junkies have difficulty listening to others, concentrating, and even sleeping because they can’t put tomorrow’s agenda out of their minds, explains Mandel. Others tend to use exaggerated vocabulary — craaazy busy right now, workload’s insane!! And some begin to feel anxious at the mere thought of slowing down their schedule.

But psychologist and addiction researcher Stanton Peele cautions against labeling anyone a stress addict. “Only when that pursuit of stress has a significant negative impact on your life could it qualify as addiction,” he said, adding that many people are able to effectively manage — and in fact thrive under — high stress conditions. (Think: Olympic athletes or President Obama.)

 Study: Stress Shrinks the Brain and Lowers Our Ability to Cope with Adversity

For budding stress “addicts” or for those who just, well, feel overwhelmed, here are some tips to dial down that anxiety:

• Seek professional help if you’re verging on burnout. (Not only can hashing it out with a therapist take a load off your mind. Some studies suggest it also boosts physical fitness.)
• Do something creative. Mandel recommends carving out a once-weekly time not to think about tomorrow’s agenda by painting, cooking, writing, dancing, or anything else that’ll take you off the clock temporarily.
• Take it outside. Numerous studies show spending time in nature improves general well-being, lowers anxiety, stress and depression, and even boosts self-confidence. Especially for women. (As it turns out, most addiction recovery centers offer outdoor-immersion programs.)
• Calm down quickly. If you really don’t have time for any of the above, these 40 tricks to chill take five minutes or less.

Some of us may seek out stress a bit more excessively than others and struggle to just relax. It takes skill to handle hectic agendas and long lists of responsibilities — without losing sleep or feeling frazzled. So try these tips and try not to freak out.

Worried that you or someone you know seeks out stress a little too much? Think stress addiction is a myth? Tell us about it in the comments section below.

For those red wine drinkers who’ve been feeling morally superior about all the health benefits of the relaxing glass or two sipped during dinner, there’s some bad news on the horizon.

 Turns out, those glasses of wine would be a lot healthier if they were non-alcoholic, a new study shows.  Spanish researchers led by Gemma Chiva-Blanch of the University of Barcelona found that non-alcoholic red wine reduced blood pressure in men at high risk for heart disease better than standard red wine or gin, according to the study published in the American Heart Association journal Circulation Research. Although the reduction in both systolic and diastolic blood pressure was modest, decreases of just 4 and 2 mm Hg have been associated with a 14 to 20 percent reduction in heart disease and stroke, the researchers pointed out. “The daily consumption of dealcoholized red wine could be useful for the prevention of low to moderate hypertension,” they concluded.  Although there have been many studies on the impact of moderate drinking on health, the findings have been mixed, with some studies showing a benefit and others suggesting none. The new study found that 3 ounces of gin a day had no impact on blood pressure, while consumption of regular red wine led to a small, but not statistically significant, improvement. The new study suggests that if you’re going to have a drink, red wine would be the healthiest choice, said Dr. Kelly Anne Spratt, a heart disease prevention specialist and a clinical associate professor of medicine at the University of Pennsylvania. Still, Spratt said, “while there are those of us in cardiology who believe in the benefits of red wine, we want to be wary. We’re not going like gangbusters recommending people go out and start drinking. There are a lot of problems associated with drinking, like weight gain, cardiomyopathy, alcoholism, an increased breast cancer risk in women who consume two or more drinks a day.” Chiva-Blanch and her colleagues suspect that blood pressure improvements were due to the impact of polyphenols, a red wine component, on nitric oxide. The theory is that nitric oxide molecules help blood vessels relax, which allows better flow and more blood to reach the heart and other organs. For the new study, Chiva-Blanch and her colleagues followed 67 men with diabetes or three or more cardiovascular risk factors. During the study, the men were all required to consume the same foods along with one of three drinks: 10 ounces of red wine, 10 ounces of non-alcoholic red wine or 3 ounces of gin. During the 12 week study, the men tried each diet/beverage combination for four weeks at a time. The researchers determined that the standard red wine and its nonalcoholic counterpart contained equal amounts of polyphenols, an antioxidant which has been shown to decrease blood pressure. Men who drank regular red wine saw minor reductions in blood pressure – too small, in fact, to be statistically significant. Those who drank gin with their meals saw no change in blood pressure. But men who drank non-alcoholic red wine saw a blood pressure decrease of about 6 mm Hg in systolic and 2 mm Hg in diastolic blood pressure. Chiva-Blanch and her colleagues concluded that their findings show that the alcohol in red wine actually weakens its ability to lower blood pressure.

Couple Arrested For Loud Sex

Passionate love making by Jessica Angel and Colin Mackenzie has upset their neighbours, leading the Adelaide couple to face being fined A$4000 (NZ$5134) for having sex a little too loudly. The hefty fine is for breaching the Environmental  Protection Act of 1993, News Ltd reports. Under South Australian law, noise is classified as a form of pollution and that includes vibration. The couple from the Adelaide suburb of Black Forest are reportedly the first in South Australia to be charged with breaching those environmental laws. Police patrols have visited the couple's unit 20 times since April, News Ltd said. Colin MacKenzie, 45, told News Ltd his arrest was excessive while Angel, 34, expressed surprise. "We exceeded the noise pollution to the point we were arrested and taken out of our house and told we couldn't have sex," she said. An Emergency Environment Protection Order was served on the couple on Sunday last week, ordering them to cease all noise for 72 hours. But the couple were reported to have ignored that order and police were called again on Tuesday morning. MacKenzie blamed his girlfriend for the noise. "Our average sex goes anywhere from four, six, seven hours, basically five nights a week," he said. "That's pretty much why I am asleep at six o'clock in the afternoon. "I will probably die of a heart attack. "She is almost killing me as it is."

A recently married bride wanted to be photographed one more time in her wedding dress.

A rescue team is looking for the woman at Dorwin Falls in Rawdon, Que. ALAMY

A recently married bride wanted to be photographed one more time in her wedding dress.

The photo shoot on Friday wound up killing her.

A Montreal-area woman, married just under three months ago, dipped her toes into a river northeast of the city near the town of Rawdon.

The water wasn't particularly deep or turbulent. But it began to seep into the dress, making it heavy.

Eventually, the 30-year-old woman slipped from the rocks and was carried away by the Ouareau River.

"The photographer put down his equipment and tried to save her. He grabbed her with his hands," said provincial police spokesman, Sgt. Ronald McInnis. "(One witness) tried to help, but they couldn't save her.

"The dress was too heavy."

So how normal is it for young people to take their clothes off when they have been drinking?

Photos of Prince Harry naked during a reported game of strip billiards - published on a US gossip website - have been defended as being merely "letting off steam". So how normal is it for young people to take their clothes off when they have been drinking?

There's been a big debate over whether British newspapers should be allowed to show the images of the prince naked in a Las Vegas hotel room, reportedly with a group of women.

Prince Harry is about to enter the next stage of his military career, and some observers have suggested that partying in this way on leave is entirely reasonable.

Many believe he should be entitled to his privacy and say his behaviour is normal for somebody of his age - 28 in a month's time. The prince was in a private place - albeit in front of strangers - and not breaking any law.

The prince was just behaving like a typical young British man, says Kate Fox, a social anthropologist at the Social Issues Research Centre, which has done research for both the government and the drinks industry.

Most people return home at the end of the night fully clothed, they're not missing a cardigan or a shoe and certainly not any trousers or pants”

Piers HernuMen's magazine journalist

"He was behaving perfectly normally. It wasn't in public and he didn't know he was being filmed," she says.

"It does seem to be common, particularly among people who do difficult and dangerous work, like soldiers and medical students, who normally have to be in such control of their behaviour."

Anybody who has been out in a British city around 02:00 on a Friday or Saturday will be aware that there are some people who respond to alcohol consumption by "mooning" or otherwise removing clothing - something which can potentially lead to arrest.

Fox espouses a theory that it's the British and American attitude to alcohol that is to blame for disinhibited behaviour, rather than the chemical reactions of alcohol in the body.

"We Brits believe that alcohol has magical powers, that it causes us to shed our inhibitions and become aggressive, promiscuous, disorderly and even violent," she says. "Studies show that when people think they are drinking alcohol, they behave according to their cultural beliefs about the behavioural effects of alcohol.

"It provides the perfect excuse, because people can blame their behaviour on the drink. They can say, 'It was the drink talking' or 'I was not myself'."

It's that loss of inhibitions that Dr Glenn Wilson, who is a professor of psychology at Gresham College in London, says is the main function of social drinking.

It is common to see inhibitions break down after drinking

The nudity, he says, "all feels a bit naughty, a deliberate breach of taboo. Some people will have a drink or a cigarette because it seems like a slightly naughty thing to do. I would put this in that category.

"The idea is that you're more vulnerable, it's all upfront and barriers are down. There's some sense that you're more open and connected with people."

And like nervous theatre actors are told to imagine the audience naked, Wilson says nudity also helps break down barriers and disarm people.

Far from being a moral collapse, Wilson says that the prince's behaviour is pretty much keeping in character.

"It implies they are more extroverted and a relaxed kind of person - the opposite to uptight. It does display an extrovert trait in Harry but I think we all knew that about him anyway."

But while Fox argues that getting naked in front of other people after drinking is not an uncommon thing among young British men, freelance men's magazine journalist Piers Hernu disagrees.

"It's quite unusual," he says. "Most people return home at the end of the night fully clothed, they're not missing a cardigan or a shoe and certainly not any trousers or pants.

"Even if they can't remember anything, they normally have their clothes. The human instinct is to remain clothed.

"When we're drunk, bad ideas seem quite good - there's definitely a loss of quality control."

Oral sex is 'good for women's health and helps fight depression'

Oral sex is good for women's health and makes you feel happier, according to a study which studied the effects of semen's 'mood-altering chemicals'. The State University of New York study - which scientists carried out via survey rather than through practical experiment - compared the sex lives of 293 females to their mental health. It follows research which shows that seminal fluid contains chemicals that elevates mood, increases affection, induces sleep and also contains at least three anti-depressants. The researchers also claim that women who have regular unprotected sex are less depressed and perform better on cognitive tests. Semen contains another of chemicals along with spermatozoa, including cortisol, which is known to increase affection, estrone, which elevates mood and oxytocin, which also elevates mood. It also contains thyrotropin-releasing hormone (another antidepressant), melatonin (a sleep-inducing agent), and even serotonin (perhaps the best-known antidepressant neurotransmitter). Given these ingredients - and this is just a small sample of the mind-altering 'drugs' found in human semen - Researchers Gallup and Burch, along with the psychologist Steven Platek, hypothesised that women having unprotected sex should be less depressed than suitable control participants.

Researchers completing a new study on alcohol consumption have discovered that college-age students who binge drink are happier than those who don't.

 

Those who engaged in binge drinking tend to belong to so-called high-status groups: wealthy, white, male and active in fraternity life. And those who did not belong to the high-status groups could achieve similar levels of social acceptance through the act of binge drinking. In fact, the study results suggest that students engaged in the heavy drinking practice to elevate their social status amongst peers rather than to alleviate depression or anxiety.

"The present study offers another insight into the nature of a seemingly intractable social problem," the study released on Monday reads. "It is our hope that by drawing attention to the important social motivations underlying binge drinking, institutional administrators and public health professionals will be able to design and implement programs for students that take into account the full range of reasons that students binge drink."

The Washington Post reports that the study's co-author and Colgate University associate professor Carolyn Hsu presented some of the findings during the American Sociological Association gathering in Denver last week.

Interestingly, the study results compiled from surveying 1,600 college students also continues to support past evidence suggesting that binge drinking leads to a number of problems affecting the mind and body, including alcoholism, violence, poor grades and risky sexual behavior.

"I would guess it has to do with feeling like you belong and whether or not you're doing what a 'real' college student does," Hsu told LiveScience. "It seems to be more about certain groups getting to define what that looks like."

Binge drinking was defined as consuming more than four drinks in one occasion for women and more than five drinks for men. Sixty-four percent of respondents said they had engaged in the practice, compared with 36 percent who said they had not.

Those statistics differ from similar evidence gathered by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). The CDC's statistics measure binge drinking in the same quantity but limit the consumption period to two hours or fewer. Its results also found that the majority of binge drinkers (70 percent) were over the age of 26. The CDC has also found that 90 percent of alcohol consumed by people under the age of 21 is done in the form of binge drinking, compared with 75 percent among all U.S. adults.

The Five Keys to Mindful Communication

The first key of mindful communication, according to Chapman (2012), is having amindful presence. This means having an open mind, awake body and a tender heart. When you have a mindful presence, you give up expectations, stories about yourself and others, and acting on emotions.

You are fully in the present moment; your communication isn’t focused on the “me” and what the “me” needs, but the we.

Mindful listening is the second key to mindful communication. Mindful listening is about encouraging the other person. This means looking through the masks and pretense and seeing the value in the person and the strengths he or she possesses. It’s looking past the human frailties and flaws that we all have to see the authentic person and the truth in what that person is attempting to say.

Mindful speech, the third key, is about gentleness. Speaking gently means being effective in what you say. It’s about speaking in a way that you can be hard. To be gentle with our speech means being aware of when our own insecurities and fears are aroused to the point we are acting out of fear rather than acceptance.

Practicing self-compassion for our fear, envy, jealousy and self-doubts is more effective than focusing on others as being a threat or attempting to change them. When you use gentle speech, you are communicating acceptance to the other person and saying what is true, not an interpretation or an exaggeration or a minimization.

The key to mindful relationships is unconditional friendliness. Unconditional friendliness means accepting the ebb and flow of relationships. Sometimes you meet new friends, sometimes friends move on, sometimes there is joy and sometimes there is pain. Sometimes you’ll feel lonely, sometimes you’ll feel cherished and connected, and then you’ll feel lonely again.

Unconditional friendliness means that your acceptance of others is not dependent on them staying with you or agreeing with you. You don’t cling to relationships to avoid loss.

Mindful responsiveness is like playfulness.  Playfulness is the openness that you can have when you let go of preconceived ideas and strategies. It’s like creating something new. Imagine two skilled dancers who alternatively lead each other in creating a new dance in every interaction, never doing the same complete dance over and over. They respond in the moment to the message sent by the other. There are no rules or expectations and yet they both bring skillful behavior.

Mindful communication requires practice. If you choose to practice the keys, you might choose to focus on one at a time. Being willing to regulate your emotions is a prerequisite to mindful communication and mindfulness of your emotions is necessary for emotion regulation.

Mindfulness is a core skill for the emotionally sensitive.

 

References

Chapman, Susan Gillis. The Five Keys to Mindful Communication:  Using Deep Listening and Mindful Speech to Strengthen Relationships, Heal Conflicts and Acceomplish Your Goals. Boston: Shambhala, 2012.

ADDICTION charity Focus12 has received a huge financial boost after a codumentary about Russell Brand was shown last night.

The documentary Russell Brand: Addiction to Recovery resulted in an immediate boost in donations and inspired the managing director of Bury St Edmunds based Chevington Finance and Leasing to offer the charity £106,000 over three years.

Russell Brand attended Focus12, the Bury St Edmunds abstinence-based alcohol and drug rehabilitation centre, in 2003 and is now a patron of the charity, describing it as ‘a really excellent example of a small cost effective rehab that can help people change in dramatic ways’.

Chip Somers, Focus12’s chief executive, said: “Russell’s documentary and his work this year to raise the profile of abstinence based recovery has got people talking about addiction in a different way, and made them realise that there is a viable alternative to simply giving up on addicts, or parking them on methadone.

“We are blown away by the generosity of Chevington — this financial support will make a huge difference to us as a charity and will certainly mean we can continue to stay open and help those who need us for longer. Raising funds for a recovery charity has never been harder than it is at present, every day is literally a struggle to keep afloat and we are very grateful.”

Clive Morris, Managing Director of Chevington Finance and Leasing said: “My wife and I were incredibly touched by last night’s documentary, which inspired us to endorse the local treatment centre Focus12, and we have today agreed funding assistance for the charity of £106,000 over the next 4 years.

“We believe that as a successful, responsible and reliable company we have a duty to help local charities survive this recession and the work that Chip Somers and his team do is fantastic and we fully endorse their abstinence based programme and have seen what a difference it makes to people’s lives.”

when is it time to end the relationship and begin the process of moving forward?

Many of us have been there at one time or another — in a relationship that is causing us stress, maybe too much stress. There is potential for the relationship to fulfill our ideal, but something keeps it from getting there. We end up battling, at times to our own emotional detriment, to keep the relationship going even through a steady lack of fulfillment.

Sometimes we break up, get back together, frustratingly chase and fight for our partner to do better, change, etc. But the question keeps coming up — when is it time to end the relationship and begin the process of moving forward?

Nobody really wants to end a relationship. We put so much emotion, time and energy into building and growing as couples. But sometimes, in order to realize our own potential and also to satisfy our core needs and goals in life — as well as for our emotional health — ending a relationship becomes the healthier decision.

In an unstable relationship, our hurt emotions and the desire for emotional stability with our partner often clouds the bigger picture. We lose sight of long term emotional health and at times battle for a relationship that brings us more hurt than partnership. If you’re concerned about the future of your relationship, consider asking yourself the following questions (and even better, discussing these questions with your partner). View each question not only in terms of concrete answers, but also in terms of emotional priorities:

1. What are your values?

Start by knowing what’s important in your life. What are the principles you abide by in your life? What do you prioritize – family, work, travel, children, spontaneity, security, organization, emotional calm, an on-the-go lifestyle? Where do you and your partner stand in terms of each other’s values? This may include how you are treated by your partner. Even if your values don’t necessarily line up, the more important question is if there is room in the relationship for each other’s values, including room for some compromise?

2. What are your goals?

How do you see your life in the future and what are the milestones you want to accomplish along the way (children, career, house, hobbies, etc.)? Where are you flexible and able to compromise, and what is non-negotiable? Can you and your partner jointly reach your goals together, even if your goals aren’t identical?

3. What is non-negotiable (deal-breakers)?

There are areas of our lives where we can compromise for the sake of the relationship, and there are areas that aren’t  negotiable. Figuring out which of our values, goals, and ideals (including emotional goals — affection, support, listening, sex, etc.) are flexible or non-negotiable will help you to see if and where there is room for work with your partner.

4. Are you aligned with each other?

Often people are frustrated by their partner seemingly not trying hard enough to change to make the relationship better. One of the biggest frustrations I see in relationship therapy is the perceived “empty promise” — a person feels they are actively doing all the work while claiming his or her partner talks about working hard, but doesn’t seem to follow through.

However, I’ve also observed that partners are often working on the areas that are less important to the other, so the work is overlooked and this leads to feeling unappreciated. If you feel you’re doing all the work, talk with your partner and discuss the questions above to focus the work on the areas where you can improve your relationship.

5. Cost-Benefit Analysis

Although this isn’t a question, it’s often helpful to get a clear idea of what you’re getting and not getting out of the relationship. On a sheet of paper create two columns. On the left, list the positives of the relationship for you, no matter how small they may seem (even, “they do the dishes every day” counts if it’s positive for you). On the right side, list the points you’d like to see improve. Give a 1-10 weight of importance to the items in each column, 10 being the highest priority in the relationship for you.

For example: we have dinner together every night — 8 — very important to you; he isn’t as outwardly social with others as I’d like — 3 — not too important to you). After you’re done, survey the list as a whole, including the weight of each pro and con to see what is actively present in your relationship, and what is potential for improvement.

It is important to actually have the conversation about the topics above, even if you believe you know how your partner will respond to each question. It is a common theme that people use past experiences to predict responses from a partner, but the answers often (if not, usually) don’t match our predictions.

There are many factors involved in understanding our relationships. The above topics are only a few considerations in a much greater process. Seeking professional help (on your own, or together) when struggling with a relationship can enlighten us to the dynamics (outward and underlying) and the roles that each person plays in the relationship. The more we understand the balance between our current relationship and our ideal relationship, the better we can understand the most healthy way to make the next decision.

Sexual betrayal is an emotional blow that can be harder to deal with than anything, even death.

Why do most spouses and partners react to the discovery of sexual addiction with such a sense of total devastation?  Sexual betrayal is an emotional blow that can be harder to deal with than anything, even death.  Most therapists who deal with partners of sex addicts now see the partner as experiencing severe trauma and PTSD symptoms, at least in the initial period post-discovery.  This suggests a theoretical framework that can help us understand the partner’s recovery  process as it proceeds.

The usual tools for dealing with hardship seem to fail us

Our usual arsenal of tools for transcending heartbreak and loss seems to break down in the face of the discovery of sexually addictive behavior in a loved one.  For example:

 

We try:

Practicing detachment by reminding ourselves that the betrayal is not about us, and going to support groups and 12-step meetings, letting go of comparing ourselves to the addict’s other sexual interest.  But detachment seems to keep slipping through our fingers and we feel a mix of strong emotions.

We try:

Educating ourselves about the disease by reading and learning about the roots of sex addiction in the early childhood attachment issues, by learning that sexual addiction is not a deliberate attempt to hurt us.  But still feelings of anger and blame seem to hang around forever.

We try:

Meditation, prayer or other spiritual practice to help us realize that we did not cause the problem and we cannot cure it, and to let go of outcomes.  This will work perfectly for some things; the job we didn’t get, the flooding in the basement, but in sex addiction disclosure there is something so totally unacceptable that we want to tighten our grip.

All of the above tools are very important in a partner’s recovery  and should be practiced even when their efficacy seems limited. But why is sexual addiction so much harder to deal with?

Some reasons why sexual betrayal is different

Here are some factors that “up the ante” in sexual betrayal.

• The personal closeness you have to the person who has been deceiving you, the person you saw as your support system
• The abandonment  by the most important person in your life (death is easier to accept because it is something that can’t be helped)
• The blow to your sense of reality

The last of these, the way sexual betrayal messes with your reality is one of the most powerful factors.  Sexual addiction is often so extreme and so out of character that it calls into question all your assumptions about “normal” life.

Surviving sexual betrayal as a grief process

I tend to think of surviving sexual betrayal as a grief process because I think it is the most useful way to look at it.  I believe that seeing it this way will give you permission to take better care of yourself and to make allowances for your own healing.

• Grief is a process that follows its own course.  It is also a process that is very different for different people depending on your own personal make up.

• Sexual betrayal is a loss and therefore must be grieved.  It is a loss of the relationship that you thought you had and produces the same pain and abandonment as other losses.

• Recovery from sexual betrayal seems to follow the familiar stages of grief.

The initial stage of denial often takes the form of believing the addict’s false promises or trying to set up a quick cure.  In other words the belief that things could be patched up and go back to “normal” is a form of denial.

The bargaining, anger and depression stages of grief are also clearly identifiable.  For example, self blame, feeling that you somehow failed, is a form of bargaining.  It allows you to hold onto a feeling that you can control the situation.

The grief process is one that must be allowed to occur.  Feelings must be experienced and emotions expelled in order to move through the process.  There is no way to make it pleasant, but it will eventually lead to acceptance and a new and better relationship life.

London's secret music venue and their livestream act

With an invite-only door policy and super secret location, Boiler Room is London's most exclusive music venue. But elitism isn't the premise for its clandestine nature—in fact, anyone with an Internet connection can easily join in the fun. Using a simple webcam, the crew behind Boiler Room livestreams each set for the world to see free of charge, and each month more than a million viewers tune in to see performances by artists like James Blake, The xx, Roots Manuva, Neon Indian, Juan Maclean and more.

We recently chilled out to the smooth sounds of Brooklyn's How To Dress Well before rocking out to revered musician Matthew Dear, who brought down the house with an intense 40-minute DJ set. Keep an eye out for our interview with Dear, but for now you can get a little more insight into the underground music scene's most talked about livestream show by checking out our interview with assistant musical programmer and Boiler Room host Nic Tasker.

How important is it for Boiler Room to remain secret, at least in its location?

That is quite an important aspect of it, purely because it means when you do shows you don't get a lot of groupies, pretty much everyone in the room is either a friend of ours or one of the artist's. It helps to create a more relaxed atmosphere for the artist and I think they feel less pressure. They're also just able to chill out and be themselves more rather than having people being like, "Hi can I get your autograph?" If the artists are relaxed usually you get the best music.

It seems like there is more interaction among the crowd than at a typical venue, is that intentional?

It's definitely a social place. All the people that come down, most of them we know and they're all our friends. So they come down, hang, have a drink and just chill out, basically. From our very set-up, we do it with a webcam, we're not a highly professional organization but I think that's kind of the charm of it. The main thing is people come down with the right attitude.

How much of the show is prescribed?

I guess that depends on the artist. We never say anything. Literally, whatever they want to do—we're kind of the platform for them to do whatever they want, so if Matthew Dear wants to come and play an hour of noise with no beats, he can do that. That's fine with us, and I think that's why artists like coming to play for us. We're not like a club where you have to make people dance, we don't give a shit if people dance. It's nice if they do and it makes it more fun, but some nights you just get people appreciating the music, which is equally fun.

Is there a particular kind of artist you guys look for and ask to come perform?

No, not particularly, it's just whatever we're feeling. Thristian [Boiler Room's co-founder] has the main say on musical direction, but it's a massive team effort. In London there's five of us, New York there's two, LA there's one and Berlin there's two.

Tonight you had different set-ups for each artist, do you tailor their positioning in the room to their style?

It definitely depends on the act and what kind of music they do. With live bands we found what works nicely is having them opposite each other because it's like they're in rehearsal, like they're just jamming. Which is again trying to give them that chilled out feel that they're just at home jamming and there happens to be a camera there. For some of our shows we've had over 100,000 viewers. When you think of those numbers it's quite scary, but when you're in the room and it's all friends it creates that vibe that people don't mind. You can imagine if you had all those people in front of you it would be a very different situation.

Have you ever thought of Boiler Room as an East London version of Soul Train?

It's never crossed my mind like that, but I can see why you think that. I like to think of us as the new music broadcaster, kind of the new MTV, but obviously we operate in the underground scene mainly. But I like to think that what we do is as revolutionary as what they were doing. We're always growing into something new.

What's up next for Boiler Room?

We have had visual people in doing 3D mapping, and that's something we're looking forward to progressing—doing more with the visuals. We've got the upstairs as well, we're starting to do breakfast shows with some high profile DJs, we're going to be doing that regularly. Each will have an individual format. The next step is progressing the US shows, we're alternating weekly between New York and LA, so the next step is to take Boiler Room to America

Breaking Free of the Co-dependency Trap presents a groundbreaking developmental road map to guide readers away from their co-dependent behaviors and toward a life of wholeness and fulfillment.

Breaking Free of the Co-dependency Trap presents a groundbreaking developmental road map to guide readers away from their co-dependent behaviors and toward a life of wholeness and fulfillment.UK Citizens

This is the book that offers a different perspective on codependency and is strongly recommended by Dream Warrior Recovery as part of a solution based recovery. This bestselling book, now in a revised edition, radically challenges the prevailing medical definition of co-dependency as a permanent, progressive, and incurable addiction. Rather, the authors identify it as the result of developmental traumas that interfered with the infant-parent bonding relationship during the first year of life.US Citizens

Drawing on decades of clinical experience, Barry and Janae Weinhold correlate the developmental causes of co-dependency with relationship problems later in life, such as establishing and maintaining boundaries, clinging and dependent behaviors, people pleasing, and difficulty achieving success in the world. Then they focus on healing co-dependency, providing compelling case histories and practical activities to help readers heal early trauma and transform themselves and their primary relationships.

Why Is It Hard to Make Friends Over 30

Sometimes, moving (as hard as it is) is the easy part. Often, it's the result of a significant change in one's life — a new job, a new relationship, a new baby, an empty nest, retirement, a painful breakup, (or worse) the death of a spouse — but it's a physical act, and one that can manageably be attacked with a list, a plan and some heavy lifting. But what happens after that…?

When the last box has been unpacked, many times, there's still emotional settling in that needs to be done — accepting and embracing your new surroundings, but also finding friends and creating a fulfilling life under new circumstances. Too often, this part is not so easy.

Alex Williams, husband of the much-loved blogger Joanna Goddard of Cup of Jo, (and a talented New York Times writer himself), recently wrote an article on adult friendships entitled 'Friends of a Certain Age (Why Is It Hard to Make Friends Over 30?)'. In the article, he explores the differences between making friends as a child and tackling the same task as an adult. He looks at the circumstances that begin to cloud the issue as we grow older, more independent and less available in our daily lives.

It's a situation that many of us have faced personally, at least once in our lives. And I'm curious: how do you handle it? Have you tried any of the online friendship sites like GirlFriendCircles or CompanionTree (sort of like match.com for friends)? What about Meetup groups, or other types of social gatherings? What's been your experience, and what advice would you give to others who are attempting to negotiate new friendships at new stages in their lives?