Rule #1: Don’t give out your address “My number-one rule is: Do NOT let someone you just met – online or otherwise – pick you up at your home. You do not want a stranger – and yes, no matter how many times you’ve emailed, talked on the phone and viewed his profile, he’s still a stranger – to know where you live!” says Ginger Ema, author of Back on Top: Fearless Dating After Divorce (Globe Pequot Press, May 2009).
Rule #2: Meet on your turf
So, where should this first date take place? Meet somewhere convenient for you, in a public place, hopefully where you know some of the wait staff or bartenders. “I probably took forty-five first dates to the same little café a few miles from my home, in a busy retail area. They knew me there – heck, I think they had a betting pool in the back about which guy I would end up with. But I felt safe!” Ginger says.
Rule #3: Drive yourself
The safety doesn’t end there. When going on this first date, be sure that you take your own car and you tell a friend where you are going and the name of the person you are meeting (hopefully it is his actual name), and you have an exit strategy. This can be something like telling your date ahead of time that you’ve got a meeting or have to pick up the kids. “When you meet a guy out, you can leave at any time. This is incredibly important when there are 20 million guys online, and you’re not doing an Intelius.com report on each one. If something feels awkward, off, or it’s simply not a match, you say thank you and get in your car and go home,” Ginger says.
Rule #4: Keep personal info personal
Another important safety tip before even getting to that first date is to create an anonymous email account for one that does not include your first name or last name and that doesn’t have your birth date as part of the username. You don’t want to give out all that information to people you are just meeting, it’s how they can stalk you!
Rule #5: Block your number
It’s also a good idea to learn to block your number when you are calling someone from your cell phone. You may not want a new guy to have your cell phone number yet – maybe never!
Rule #6: Don’t bring a new date home
Ginger also suggests never bring a new date to your home to meet your children. In fact, experts recommend that your kids not meet anyone you are dating until it is a serious, exclusive relationship – long enough for you to feel very comfortable about who this man is, and to know that this is something long-term.
Your kids have already had disruption to their lives, no matter how amicable a divorce is. And children can be funny – they may tell us they want us to date; they may tell us they want us to go out, but they are affected by anything that rocks their world. Your kids just don’t need to be in on your dating stories, or who your ex is dating, either. On the other hand, once you are serious with someone, slowly introduce him to your child(ren). “Nothing surprised me more than having a relationship that integrated with the rest of my life. I seriously thought I would only date every Wednesday and every other weekend – when my son was with his dad. And that’s how it went for years – I didn’t date on ‘my son’s time,’” Ginger says. “But once I was in a long-term relationship that I knew was going to last, I introduced him to my son. I never imagined a holistic post-divorce relationship where my son likes my boyfriend, my boyfriend likes my son (this is saying a lot – he is, after all, a teenager). My ex likes my boyfriend and vice versa – I am the Demi Moore of my neighborhood!”
“While not everyone who dates online loves it, it is still the best place to meet more men per minute. I mean, I’ve been viewed 48,000 times on one site! Where else would I have a pool of 48,000 interested men? “
Friday 16 October 2009
“Women’s intuition” is not just an urban myth so if your gut is telling you that your man is lying then he most likely is.
It should be said that women were given a sixth sense for a reason. “Women’s intuition” is not just an urban myth so if your gut is telling you that your man is lying then he most likely is. But if you’re looking for a little more justification than just a funny feeling, here are some experts’ tips:
1. “Good liars will often have a quick and smooth response and use tactics that will redirect attention back to you or incite some kind of emotional response in you that can divert attention away from them and the lie,” said Manhattan-based clinical psychologist, J.Cilona. “Most other people might fumble a bit or show embarrassment. This is sign that they are not so sophisticated a liar and perhaps just made a bad choice.”
2. Dr. Eddy Kloprogge of FreudTV says you can detect lies by the way a person is smiling. “Forced smiles are easy to spot since they involved the muscles around the mouth,” said Kloprogge. “In a real smile, more facial muscles besides the mouth are involved. A dead giveaway is tightening around the eyes, which sometimes causes crows’ feet.”
3. Dr. Eddy also believes the behavior of other body parts can be a dead giveaway on whether or not a person is telling the truth. If their arms, legs, or hands are stiff and self-directed then they’re most likely lying. “The hands may touch or scratch their face, nose or behind an ear, but are not likely to touch their chest or heart with an open hand.”
4. “Be aware that sometimes men lie because their lady forces them to,” said Daylle Deanna Schwartz, author of Nice Girls Can Finish First. “If you’re overly possessive or jealous or have rules he doesn’t agree with, he may lie to avoid an unpleasant situation.”
5. Be a pseudo detective and check out his story – not by stalking him but by taking time to think through what he tells you. “Many liars are big at making up stories and they believe in being very dramatic. In the end, though, their stories just don’t add up,” said Coy Long, CEO oh Hotlanta Matchmakers.
6. Long also warns that a person who is lying will often times rapidly change the topic of conversation to try and throw the other person off. “They also get really defensive and their tone of voice is inconsistent with their body movements.”
7. Dr. J. Cilona tells people to be very aware of the other person’s answers and body language. “Many people pick up on subtleties without being totally aware of them and new research even shows that we can actually smell fear in the perspiration of others. These kinds of cues are often out of our awareness and get labeled as a feeling or intuition. Consider this to be one of the most important reasons for concern.”
8. Language and word usage can be a telltale sign for liars, according to Kloprogge, who tells clients to be conscious of the other person’s word choice. If they’re repeating your own exact words when answering a question or avoiding direct statements and answers they’re probably not being honest.
9. Answers drenched in humor or sarcasm is an indication that they’re trying to avoid a subject – a big no, no.
10. Silence truly is golden. Kloprogge advises to allow total quiet into the conversation as it will give you a chance to observe their reaction. A person who is lying will most likely become very uncomfortable and restless when there is a pause in conversation.
1. “Good liars will often have a quick and smooth response and use tactics that will redirect attention back to you or incite some kind of emotional response in you that can divert attention away from them and the lie,” said Manhattan-based clinical psychologist, J.Cilona. “Most other people might fumble a bit or show embarrassment. This is sign that they are not so sophisticated a liar and perhaps just made a bad choice.”
2. Dr. Eddy Kloprogge of FreudTV says you can detect lies by the way a person is smiling. “Forced smiles are easy to spot since they involved the muscles around the mouth,” said Kloprogge. “In a real smile, more facial muscles besides the mouth are involved. A dead giveaway is tightening around the eyes, which sometimes causes crows’ feet.”
3. Dr. Eddy also believes the behavior of other body parts can be a dead giveaway on whether or not a person is telling the truth. If their arms, legs, or hands are stiff and self-directed then they’re most likely lying. “The hands may touch or scratch their face, nose or behind an ear, but are not likely to touch their chest or heart with an open hand.”
4. “Be aware that sometimes men lie because their lady forces them to,” said Daylle Deanna Schwartz, author of Nice Girls Can Finish First. “If you’re overly possessive or jealous or have rules he doesn’t agree with, he may lie to avoid an unpleasant situation.”
5. Be a pseudo detective and check out his story – not by stalking him but by taking time to think through what he tells you. “Many liars are big at making up stories and they believe in being very dramatic. In the end, though, their stories just don’t add up,” said Coy Long, CEO oh Hotlanta Matchmakers.
6. Long also warns that a person who is lying will often times rapidly change the topic of conversation to try and throw the other person off. “They also get really defensive and their tone of voice is inconsistent with their body movements.”
7. Dr. J. Cilona tells people to be very aware of the other person’s answers and body language. “Many people pick up on subtleties without being totally aware of them and new research even shows that we can actually smell fear in the perspiration of others. These kinds of cues are often out of our awareness and get labeled as a feeling or intuition. Consider this to be one of the most important reasons for concern.”
8. Language and word usage can be a telltale sign for liars, according to Kloprogge, who tells clients to be conscious of the other person’s word choice. If they’re repeating your own exact words when answering a question or avoiding direct statements and answers they’re probably not being honest.
9. Answers drenched in humor or sarcasm is an indication that they’re trying to avoid a subject – a big no, no.
10. Silence truly is golden. Kloprogge advises to allow total quiet into the conversation as it will give you a chance to observe their reaction. A person who is lying will most likely become very uncomfortable and restless when there is a pause in conversation.
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